Waking up to balloons and scones for my birthday last week…
Heading to the beach with a good book…
and blackberry tea….
22 is looking to be a good year so far…
22
2
an early summer
The alphabet
of the trees
is fading in the
song of the leaves
from The Botticellian Trees by William Carlos Williams
What you need to survive the apocalypse
There are a few things you need to survive the apocalypse. But first, this is what you don’t need.
You do not need a bomb shelter. Don’t get me wrong – an underground steel fallout shelter with gamma ray protection and maximum security would be optimum. But a cardboard box works just as well if you need a place to sleep. You can trust me. I was an English major. My kind has viewed cardboard boxes as prime real estate for years.
You also don’t need a shotgun. People think you do because they’ve watched a lot of zombie flicks on Netflix Instant. But honestly, once everybody on the planet has pretty much died off, there’s nothing much to shoot except empty cans. And finding more ammunition around here? That’s a joke.
What you do need is food. Nothing makes you hungrier than staring at empty streets and broken down cars and vast stretches of desert wasteland. You also need paper towels. Just because the world has been destroyed doesn’t mean you aren’t going to spill water all over yourself any more. If you’re like me, this will happen several times a day. And finally, you will need a bottle of champagne. Yes, this is necessary. You get very bored after the apocalypse and you also get very lonely. Preferably find yourself a French brand so you can pretend you’re learning a foreign language when you stare at the label. Just because there aren’t real humans anymore doesn’t mean you don’t want to feel educated.
So the next time I ride past an abandoned supermarket on my trek through what used to be the southwest, you can find me in Aisle 6, Canned Goods. Stocking my cart with all the Campbell’s tomato soup I can find, a whole lot of paper towels, and of course one bottle of Veuve Cliquot. Besides, who knows? If there is another human alive somewhere, you can bet they’ll appreciate a glass of sparkling champagne.
Yes, I know – I seem to be watching way too many apocalyptic movies on Netflix Instant lately. But don’t forget to stop by Magpie Tales!
payphone
Sometimes I pretend. It’s only when I see a payphone, after I’ve been biking for a long time from city to city. I take out a quarter – getting low on those now – and slip it into the slot. The neon pink light flicks on inside the booth and I pick the phone off the hook. Doesn’t matter what number I dial. Sometimes I just punch numbers for the heck of it. I like hearing the automated operator’s voice say, “Your call cannot be completed as dialed.” Because for a second, when I hear that voice, I can pretend I’m not the only human left on earth.
don’t forget to check out magpie tales!
The Downton Abbey Hit List
….Or, who should die in Season 3. Not that Downton Abbey is actually going to kill off their darlings – heck, even WW1 only claimed one minor character – but we can dream, right? Based on the level of whining, unnecessary elopements, or stubborn martyrdom, the following characters really shouldn’t survive much longer.
Just look at those eerie blue eyes. In Season 3, he's either coming back as a vampire or a super villain. Run, Mary, run!
1. Matthew. Although he almost redeemed himself by his endearing attachment to Mary’s stuffed dog (his British reserve just flaked right off when he heard it might be given to charity), he destroyed any chance of survival when he launched into a sappy monologue on broken hearts. (If I didn’t know any better, I’d have said Nicholas Sparks was giving him pointers.) Yes, Matthew, it’s true that a kiss may have killed Lavinia. But if you keep talking about it, we might just wish the Spanish flu had taken one more victim. Plus, anyone else get the creepy feeling he’s turning into a vampire? Something about that extra pale skin – I think I saw it glitter – and those pointy eye teeth are making me nervous. Suddenly, Mary’s creepy journalist fiance is looking a whole lot more attractive.
And, here we go. After being falsely accused of stealing wine, a snuffbox, and regimental silver, it was only a matter of time before Bates was accused of killing his wife, too. (By the way, what ever happened to his limp?)
2. Mr. Bates and Anna. Sure, their star-crossed romance was kinda cute for the first 15 hours of Downton Abbey. But really. How much longer do we have to see Mr. Bates staring off into space like a resigned martyr, while Anna whispers patient nothings in his ear? And Mr. Bates, the next time a psychopath asks you to pick up a bit of arsenic at the supermarket – for “the rats,” of course – it’s really better to bring home tea instead.
Really, Branson. You could at least teach Sybil how to drive.
3. Sybil and Branson. (Or maybe just Branson. Sybil might come in handy the next time Spanish flu breaks out.) But Branson? What exactly does he do, besides polish cars, read socialistic newspapers, and say things in a charmingly rebellious Irish accent? I’m sure we were supposed to care when the two eloped, but all I could think of is, what are they going to talk about? They have nothing in common besides a desire to elope and a penchant for staring at each other over the hood of a car.
I kept waiting for a dark secret to show up and make Lavinia suddenly interesting. But no.
4. Lavinia. Oh, wait, they already killed her! With cloying melodrama, no less. Anybody else suspect that whole martyr thing was just an act? Sure, Lavinia. You wanted Matthew to be so, so happy with your rival that you just had to tell him it’s “better this way” because now he doesn’t have to choose. Would you like a side of guilt with that grief, Matthew?
Now that we’ve killed off half the cast, who should live? I sure hope Thomas makes it through. It’s comforting to know that even when the black market gets him down, the intrepid footman is bound to come up with some sort of mischief for the Christmas special. And of course, we have to keep Mary around. She’s inherited the Dowager Countess’ ability to make inappropriate comments at all the right moments. (Her fiance: “I hear you don’t have a chauffeur. Maybe I could drive.” Mary: “Preferably over the chauffeur.”) Perhaps she’d like to add a few names to the hit list….
but mom, i’m hungry!
This little guy has a big appetite. He can beg non-stop for food… even though he’s about twice as big as his mom. Like a true wildlife photographer, I dropped onto the ground and crawled through underbrush for this exclusive video. Not really. But click on the link anyway… I did get rather sandy filming it: birds chirping
Stop whatever you’re doing and read The Hunger Games.
Oscar-nominee Jennifer Lawrence, who plays Katniss in the upcoming movie, was a fan of the books even before she landed the role.
I used to scorn the popularity of The Hunger Games. Yeah, yeah, a teenage girl in futuristic America has to compete in a sadistic, gladiator-style game show against other teenagers. Been there, done that. Right?
Wrong. So wrong. Once I finally picked up the first book, I was hooked like never before. Which leads me to beg all of you: do yourselves a favor and start reading. Just a head’s up, make sure you get plenty of sleep the night before you begin book one. Closing your eyes is pretty much out of the question until you’ve finished. Even blinking takes up precious seconds that could be spent finding out what happens next. (Luckily, you’ll whiz through the first book in about 12-24 hours, so your lack of sleep won’t be life-threatening.)
This is where you ask me – as most of my other cornered friends do – why is it so compelling? Believe me, if I knew, I’d be writing my own Hunger Games. But here are a few thoughts:
1. Is it the brilliant characterization that makes you feel as if you’re best friends with Katniss, Peeta, Gale, and Finnick? Author Suzanne Collins knows how to make us really care about an entire cast of characters. In the best use of first person narration I’ve ever seen, she brings us right inside the mind of Katniss, who views the world with a mixture of gritty determination and black humor. (Picture Ree from Winter’s Bone, only a hungrier, more futuristic version who shoots with arrows instead of her dad’s shotgun.)
Real or not real? (Hunger Games fans know what I'm talking about. Let's not forget the healthy dose of romance in these books.)
2. Is it Suzanne Collins’ masterful sense of pacing – far superior to most action movies? Her background is in screenwriting (she received an MFA in dramatic writing from NYU), and it shows. Every chapter plays out like a scene in a movie. Every piece of dialogue could fit inside the mouth of a real person. And every book (except the last of course) ends with cliffhangers J.J. Abrams would envy.
3. Is it the graphic war scenes interspersed with bits of wry humor? The way she balances the two – making us laugh in the middle of horrendous sequences – makes her story unforgettable.
If this hasn’t convinced you, let me end with an excerpt from book one, The Hunger Games:
Just one more reason to enjoy the Hunger Games - Australian heartthrob Liam Hemsworth is playing Gale in the upcoming movie. What is it about those Aussies?
“Sixty seconds. That’s how long we’re required to stand on our metal circles before the sound of a gong releases us. Step off before the minute is up, and land mines blow your legs off. Sixty seconds to take in the ring of tributes all equidistant from the Cornucopia, a giant golden horn shaped like a cone with a curved tail, the mouth of which is at least twenty feet high, spilling over with the things that will give us life here in the arena. Food, containers of water, weapons, medicine, garments, fire starters. Strewn around the Cornucopia are other supplies, their value decreasing the farther they are from the horn. For instance, only a few steps from my feet lies a three-foot square of plastic. Certainly it could be of some use in a downpour. But there in the mouth, I can see a tent pack that would protect from almost any sort of weather. If I had the guts to go in and fight for it against the other twenty-three tributes. Which I have been instructed not to do.
We’re on a flat, open stretch of ground. A plain of hard-packed dirt. Behind the tributes across from me, I can see nothing, indicating either a steep downward slope or even a cliff. To my right lies a lake. To my left and back, sparse piney woods. This is where Haymitch would want me to go. Immediately.
I hear his instructions in my head. “Just clear out, put as much distance as you can between yourselves and the others, and find a source of water.”
But it’s tempting, so tempting, when I see the bounty waiting there before me….”
See what I’m talking about? And now… may the odds be ever in your favor! (Just read the books and you’ll figure out what that means.)
J.J. Abrams’ Mystery Box
Die-hard Abrams fans out there, you’re in luck. I just stumbled upon a talk he did at TED – and although I usually hate lectures, this one was just so… Abrams. Check out the video here to find out why he’s never opened a childhood mystery box, how he got his first Super 8 camera, and how long it took to write, cast, and film the pilot of Lost. OK, I’ll give that one away – just 11 weeks. Incredible, huh? In other news, does anybody out there know how you can intern with him? Just curious…
8 things people say at the beach
Sandpipers never say much. But they look cute.
If you lay on your beach towel with your eyes closed, you can hear people’s voices drifting in and out as they walk by. It’s sort of like flipping through the channels on the T.V., only less work. For example:
1. “That water’s too cold for you, ain’t it darlin?” (A vacationer from South Carolina holding her granddaughter.)
2. “I was like, where were we?” (A 20-something girl afraid she had lost her spot on the beach.)
3. “Yeah, I knew where we were.” (The 20-something’s boyfriend, trying to look impressive and wilderness-savvy.)
4. “Bring your phone, babe. Take pictures.” (Another vacationer.)
5. “48 inches is only 4 feet.” (An exasperated 9 year old. Why exasperated, we don’t know. He walked fast.)
6. “This guy was crazy. Crazy isn’t even the word. He was a freaking maniac.” (A 30-something walking with his parents. Either discussing a former friend or a foreign dictator.)
7. “Make sure the flash is off. Where the lightnin’ is, push it.” (People posing for photos in the ocean. Obviously snow birds. They weren’t phased by 65-degree water.)
8. “Will you marry me?” (Not actually spoken, but carved into the side of the most elaborate sandcastle I’ve ever seen. Underneath it, in sloppy, excited writing – “She said yes.”)
From “The Sharp End of War”
“Of course he knew what fear was…. He knew how to overcome it, that’s all. He knew how to bend fear back with the arms of will-power…. But fear always grows stronger and the muscles on the arms of will-power begin to ache, they can’t bend back fear for ever. The struggle gets harder all the time. Will-power sweats and groans and aches and gasps for breath…. Can’t they see that the whole point is not that he didn’t know what fear was but that he did?” – Fred Majdalaney, epitaph to fellow officer in WW2